Goodbye India

This will be my last post from India. In an hour I leave for Mumbai by bus with my mother-in-law (who is not speaking to me after last night's episode...should be a fun trip). We'll set up camp at her sister's house for a few hours, and then it's off to the airport for me.

I can't believe that two months in India is almost at a close. I'm so eager to get back home, but at the same time it feels strange that it's already over. So now it's time to reflect back on what I came here to do, and what I've learned from the experience.

Could I ever come to live in India?
Honestly, I think the answer to this is yes. I would want to find a city that is more comfortable to me, as Pune is much too slow paced. And I would have to tackle that whole learning to drive on the wrong side of the road while acting out a game of Frogger thing so that I can have independence. But I do believe I could learn to be happy living in this country and make it my home. But not for an indefinite period. If or when we move to India, it would have to be with a set end date in mind. I don't think I could come here and stay forever.

Could I ever live with or near my in-laws like a good Indian wife?
That's a big fat NO. There would be much too much day-to-day friction. And I want the freedom to raise my children the way my husband and I see fit, and that would not happen with my mother-in-law in close proximity. The perfect distance would probably be one which is too far to travel more often than every few months, but close enough that a weekend stay is sufficient. Obviously, as long as we are in separate countries, the visits will last for more like two or three months (or six, if Dadaji's trips are any indication). But at the same time, once that visit is over, the rest of the year would be in-law free. I haven't yet figured out which is the lesser of two evils.

Has my relationship with my in-laws improved?
This is a tough one. Before this trip, I had essentially no relationship with my in-laws, and that has definitely changed. Whether or not we now have a good relationship is up for debate. I've learned a lot about them in my time here. But I have not learned much that I like. I have generally felt like they could care less that I'm here and have no desire to get to know me. My beliefs and opinions differ so drastically from my mother-in-law's that it is difficult to even hold a conversation.

Obviously, we have not become close friends because of this visit. But I have learned enough to feel like I now know how to handle them. I know what to expect from them, I know what my limits are, I know when I need to just walk away. Basically, I believe I can now survive long visits with them without anyone having to die. And that's something, right?

Did I gain any marketable NGO experience?
That would have to be a....sort of. I have had experiences that you certainly wouldn't get sitting behind a desk in the U.S., so that should count for something. But I definitely could not say I've learned the ins and outs of an organization. Or even performed any actual work with them. To be fair, I had ten days to arrange this trip. There are many organizations here that seem highly organized and provide their volunteers with incredible experience...but volunteers have to apply months in advance, a luxury I did not have. I was able to find and make contact with (and actually receive a response back from) only one organization before I arrived here.

Manavya is a great organization, providing a home, education and healthcare to HIV-positive orphans. They do amazing work. However, school started for the children two weeks after my arrival (and four days after I'd finally managed to arrange to visit), and so I could not work with them during the week because it would disrupt their schooling. Who knew school would be in session during this time? Not me. It didn't occur to me that schools in India might operate on a different schedule than in the U.S. Not something I thought about. After first being told I could work in the office once school started, I was then told that no I could not because I don't know the Marathi language. I told every organization I contacted that I do not speak any of these languages. Manavya seemed fine with it. But when it came down to it, it was an insurmountable problem. So I could not work with them, but was encouraged to raise money for them when I return to the U.S. Right.

Janvikas is also a great organization, working in rural areas and tackling all aspects of development. I discovered them through hubby's best friend after I had been in Pune for nearly a month already. I had a very fascinating day with them, but again, my lack of Marathi skills limited my opportunities. They did however allow me to attend training sessions even though I wouldn't understand a word of them. And they did take time out to at least sum up what was being discussed, even if I did still miss out on the details. But I was unable to visit them again and see more of their projects.

Visiting the slum school was an incredible experience. To see people from such an impoverished background that they don't even have a proper home is very humbling. They are rejected by society everywhere they turn. But this one man, a man who was once a slum dweller himself, is giving them all a chance. I really wish I could have spent more time at this school, but I guess it just wasn't in the cards. Three weeks wasted playing phone tag means that I only had two days at the school. Enough to change me, absolutely. Enough to tell a great story, sure. Not enough to boost my resume.

Did the trip meet my expectations?
The answer to this one is, sadly, no.

Part of that is that my expectations are always absurdly high. I don't think anything or anyone, myself included, has ever fully met my expectations in any situation. I expect not just greatness and perfection, but superhuman levels.

I expected to be capable in at least one language by the end of my trip. Indian languages are in no way similar to English or the romance languages, which are the only languages I have experience with. In fact, I can't find a single thing they have in common, but least of all are the sounds that form the words. My ears cannot detect certain differences and my mouth cannot form them. And those differences are very important to the language. I did not give this challenge the credit it deserves. I assumed it was just a matter of studying and practicing. Which of course it is to some degree, but without the natural ability that comes with learning a language from childhood, it will take time. When my in-laws got married, my mother-in-law did not speak Marathi, she only knew Hindi and Gujarati. Those two languages are very similar to Marathi, and yet it still took her six months of private lessons to become proficient. And I expected it to happen in two months. It was an unattainable goal, so I can't feel too bad that I didn't achieve it.

Except that I gave up. When I realized how difficult it truly would be, I stopped trying as hard. I couldn't motivate myself to study in my spare time, even though I had a lot of it. I didn't harass my in-laws to teach me phrases and words. I blamed that on the fact that they would each say things differently and if I asked them to repeat something they would say it in yet another way. Sure, that didn't make it easy. But I could have kept trying.

I expected to get a lot of work experience, to the point that when I send out my new updated resume, employers will be climbing over each other to get to me. Instead, I got about 8 days of work experience. In three different places. Can I use that to promote myself? Sure. But let's face it, there are people in my field who spent two years in the Peace Corp and still can't find a job. So how much will 8 days really help? I did, however, gain a lot of personal experience through those 8 days. I saw a side to the world that I could never see from the U.S. or even from my in-law's house in Pune. That has changed me. I hope potential employers will be able to see that in me, but if they can't, I can. And that makes me happy.

I expected my in-laws to fall in love with me once they got to know me. But even living in the same house for two months, there's only so much you can know about another person. I still occasionally discover little surprises about my own husband, and he about me. And it takes me time to warm up to someone and let my guard down so that they can get to know me. That didn't happen in this situation unfortunately. But perhaps I've set the stage for it to happen in the future. I hope I have.

So, no, this trip hasn't lived up to my expectations, but that has less to do with my stay here and more to do with the way I handled it. I didn't live up to my expectations. But again, I hope I've set the stage for easier and happier future visits.