When you're married, the topic of children will inevitably come up. Namely, whether you want them and how many. Until a little bundle of joy arrives, though, you don't generally have many discussions about how they will be raised. You may both have given it some thought, but hashing out the details with your spouse well before you're ready to start planning to conceive seems a little overboard doesn't it?
I guarantee you nothing could change your mind about that faster than living with your mother-in-law.
From the moment we first met, I have endured many many many x100 many lectures about the woman's role in a family. I have learned to mostly ignore her comments about how I must do everything for my family.
Note: When I say do "everything," or "all the things" as my mother-in-law says, I mean literally everything. It is her belief that children should not have to do anything for themselves. Even, apparently, once they're grown. I am constantly baffled by the fact that her two sons are completely self-sufficient (at least when not in her house anyway). I don't know how that can happen when they were never given the opportunity to learn to do anything for themselves. It is a wonder they didn't spend their first years in the U.S. just throwing out their clothes when they got dirty and replacing them with clothes shipped from India by their mother.
So, while I occasionally want to turn around and lecture her about how children should learn how to do things for themselves from a young age, for the most part I manage to turn a deaf ear to these lectures.
Last night, however, I received a more elaborate lecture that makes me consider ways to keep my future children far far away from my mother-in-law at all times. As I was mulling this over in my mind, a friend shared this article about parents who let their children run amok with no discipline whatsoever. Clearly, someone was sending me a message that I need to blog about this topic.
(Sidenote: while checking to make sure I spelled "amok" correctly, I learned it has "traditionally been regarded as occurring especially in Malaysian culture." So there's your interesting factoid for the day. You're welcome.)
Last night's discussion started out innocently enough. I informed her of my plans to go to a movie, she subjected me to her singing practice, we traded stories about music in our families...and of course from there we moved into her usual lecture about families, a combination of bragging about how she raised her children and ordering me to worship at her feet so I can learn to do things like her.
From there it went quickly downhill. I suppose because I had placed a time limit on our discussion by telling her I would be going out, she felt the need to take full advantage and elaborated beyond her usual speaking points.
I knew that both my husband and his brother had traveled a bit playing tennis growing up. What I learned last night is that my mother-in-law accompanied them on these trips. All of them. Even though they were chaperoned by coaches, etc. She would find the local market in each location, buy veggies and whatnot, then take over the hotel kitchen to cook food for them. She also packed for them before every trip, and if it was a long trip she would wash their laundry in the bathroom of the hotel room while they were at practice. I guess she had to travel with them since they were still attached by the umbilical cord.
Once she had me sufficiently terrified by this story, she moved on to the topic of discipline. I have heard enough stories from my husband and his brother to know that they were rather mischievous children and got away with a lot of things. So I know they were no angels. My mother-in-law is not only adamantly against any sort of physical punishment, like spanking, she is also against punishment in general. And if anyone else dared to raise their voice to her children, the mother lion would tear them to shreds. In her words, "they never did anything to anyone, they never misbehaved." Which I might believe, if she had raised them in a disciplined manner...and if I didn't know them.
If any child of mine ever acts up in public and I am not there to catch them in the act, I give permission to the nearest adult to lay down the law and discipline the hell of out them. Just sayin.
Raising children to be decent, respectful, contributing members of society is difficult enough. And every mother has to deal with unsolicited advice on how to raise her children from everyone from her mother-in-law to the cashier at the grocery store.
Few, I suspect, are genuinely expected to allow their children to live with their in-laws though.
If I were an Indian woman, and we had stayed in India, my husband and I would be living with his parents. And once we had children, we would all continue to live together. Judging by that tradition, I would think few Indian women get to actually raise their own children. As long as there is a mother-in-law around, she will think she knows best and will undermine everything the young mother tries to do.
I've always been all for the grandparents spoiling their grandchildren. If your parents have raised you well, they should now get the opportunity to give a cute kid everything he wants. After all, they spent your entire childhood walking the tightrope between ensuring you get everything you need and ensuring you don't turn out to be a spoiled brat. So let them have fun with their grandkids! The hard part is now your job, not theirs.
But when parents seem proud of the fact that they spoiled their own children to within an inch of their lives...well, it would make me rather hesitant to give them free rein with my children. Of course, "give them free rein" is a delusion in itself, because grandparents will do whatever they want and nothing you can say or do will change that. That's largely accepted in the U.S.
But in the U.S., grandparents generally play a minimal role in a child's life. Grandparents are seen on Sundays after church. Grandparents don't move in. Grandparents don't "visit" for six months out of the year. The amount of influence they have on how a child is actually raised is limited in the U.S.
But in India...
I guarantee you nothing could change your mind about that faster than living with your mother-in-law.
From the moment we first met, I have endured many many many x100 many lectures about the woman's role in a family. I have learned to mostly ignore her comments about how I must do everything for my family.
Note: When I say do "everything," or "all the things" as my mother-in-law says, I mean literally everything. It is her belief that children should not have to do anything for themselves. Even, apparently, once they're grown. I am constantly baffled by the fact that her two sons are completely self-sufficient (at least when not in her house anyway). I don't know how that can happen when they were never given the opportunity to learn to do anything for themselves. It is a wonder they didn't spend their first years in the U.S. just throwing out their clothes when they got dirty and replacing them with clothes shipped from India by their mother.
So, while I occasionally want to turn around and lecture her about how children should learn how to do things for themselves from a young age, for the most part I manage to turn a deaf ear to these lectures.
Last night, however, I received a more elaborate lecture that makes me consider ways to keep my future children far far away from my mother-in-law at all times. As I was mulling this over in my mind, a friend shared this article about parents who let their children run amok with no discipline whatsoever. Clearly, someone was sending me a message that I need to blog about this topic.
(Sidenote: while checking to make sure I spelled "amok" correctly, I learned it has "traditionally been regarded as occurring especially in Malaysian culture." So there's your interesting factoid for the day. You're welcome.)
Last night's discussion started out innocently enough. I informed her of my plans to go to a movie, she subjected me to her singing practice, we traded stories about music in our families...and of course from there we moved into her usual lecture about families, a combination of bragging about how she raised her children and ordering me to worship at her feet so I can learn to do things like her.
From there it went quickly downhill. I suppose because I had placed a time limit on our discussion by telling her I would be going out, she felt the need to take full advantage and elaborated beyond her usual speaking points.
I knew that both my husband and his brother had traveled a bit playing tennis growing up. What I learned last night is that my mother-in-law accompanied them on these trips. All of them. Even though they were chaperoned by coaches, etc. She would find the local market in each location, buy veggies and whatnot, then take over the hotel kitchen to cook food for them. She also packed for them before every trip, and if it was a long trip she would wash their laundry in the bathroom of the hotel room while they were at practice. I guess she had to travel with them since they were still attached by the umbilical cord.
Once she had me sufficiently terrified by this story, she moved on to the topic of discipline. I have heard enough stories from my husband and his brother to know that they were rather mischievous children and got away with a lot of things. So I know they were no angels. My mother-in-law is not only adamantly against any sort of physical punishment, like spanking, she is also against punishment in general. And if anyone else dared to raise their voice to her children, the mother lion would tear them to shreds. In her words, "they never did anything to anyone, they never misbehaved." Which I might believe, if she had raised them in a disciplined manner...and if I didn't know them.
If any child of mine ever acts up in public and I am not there to catch them in the act, I give permission to the nearest adult to lay down the law and discipline the hell of out them. Just sayin.
Raising children to be decent, respectful, contributing members of society is difficult enough. And every mother has to deal with unsolicited advice on how to raise her children from everyone from her mother-in-law to the cashier at the grocery store.
Few, I suspect, are genuinely expected to allow their children to live with their in-laws though.
If I were an Indian woman, and we had stayed in India, my husband and I would be living with his parents. And once we had children, we would all continue to live together. Judging by that tradition, I would think few Indian women get to actually raise their own children. As long as there is a mother-in-law around, she will think she knows best and will undermine everything the young mother tries to do.
I've always been all for the grandparents spoiling their grandchildren. If your parents have raised you well, they should now get the opportunity to give a cute kid everything he wants. After all, they spent your entire childhood walking the tightrope between ensuring you get everything you need and ensuring you don't turn out to be a spoiled brat. So let them have fun with their grandkids! The hard part is now your job, not theirs.
But when parents seem proud of the fact that they spoiled their own children to within an inch of their lives...well, it would make me rather hesitant to give them free rein with my children. Of course, "give them free rein" is a delusion in itself, because grandparents will do whatever they want and nothing you can say or do will change that. That's largely accepted in the U.S.
But in the U.S., grandparents generally play a minimal role in a child's life. Grandparents are seen on Sundays after church. Grandparents don't move in. Grandparents don't "visit" for six months out of the year. The amount of influence they have on how a child is actually raised is limited in the U.S.
But in India...
I didn't know she traveled with them! And took over hotel kitchens? How did she manage to get away with doing that I wonder? Probably nagged them until they were bleeding from their ears and they gave up trying to convince her of any other alternative.
ReplyDeleteI am glad you two don't live in Pune. I think you would probably become homicidal if you had to raise your children with Mama and Papa. And I don't feel like jail is the best place for you to raise children from. :)
If she wants you to take into consideration the Indian culture's methodology of child rearing, she should also (in an ideal world) take into consideration the American culture's methodology of child rearing- namely, that you raise your child to be independent (a HUGE part of the American culture, not to mention, the reason millions of people try to get into this country).
I understand her desire to see that the Indian culture is not lost on her grandchildren. But I think your willingness to live in India with her for two months so you won't be a hypocrite when you want your children to learn Indian culture and languages should be a big indication of your intentions not to leave it out.
I also think that she should understand that A) You are American so the children will be raised with American ideals in addition to Indian ideals, and B) You LIVE in America and therefore American ideals will be instilled in the children that way, and C) if you do everything for your children they will be labeled as pansies by all of their peers. And quite possibly their aunt. I'm just sayin'.
Like you, I am also confounded by the fact that Kshitij and Akash are as independent and self-sufficient and able to think for themselves as they are, especially after now learning that they did not even get time away from her while traveling for tennis. I thought that is where it came from. Color me baffled.