The exchange today at lunch went like this:
Me: This evening B (hubby's best friend) is coming by and I'm going to go out with her. I don't know if we will have dinner out or not but I will ask and let you know before I leave.
MIL: B? (comments to brother-in-law in whatever language she felt like at the moment) Ok.
We continue eating.
MIL: Today?
Me: Yes.
MIL: No today we are having dinner at Sameer mama's house.
Me: What?
MIL: Yes. It was decided.
Me: I didn't know. I made plans with B. I will see if she can change but I don't know.
Lunch continues in silence. Later, my brother-in-law suggests calling B to come by earlier, going out and then just not coming back. I laugh it off and give B a call to see if we can change plans to tomorrow. No answer. I'm not concerned. I apparently blocked all of my mother-in-law's behavior from my previous visit out of my memory. About three hours later, MIL comes to find me.
MIL: I am going to the factory now, and will come back with Papa. About 6:30 we will come back, then we will go to Sameer's.
Me: Ok. I'm still waiting to hear from B to see if we can change our plans or not.
MIL: But it is decided! We have to go!
Me: But I didn't know it had been decided. No one told me until after I told you I had made plans.
MIL: But it was decided!
Me: But you didn't tell me. And my plans with B are already decided. (Damn her for making me talk like her!)
MIL: You have to ask me before you do these things.
bug-eyed dropped-jaw stare from me
MIL: There were no other plans for Saturday so we decided.
Me: That's fine, but if you don't tell me when you decide then you can't be upset if I make other plans.
MIL: But you have to ask me if you can do this.
Me: Well you have to tell me when you make plans for me.
MIL: Just tell her Mama has decided and you must go tomorrow.
Me: I don't know if she can change to tomorrow. I have to see.
MIL: Just tell her! What is her number? Tell her to talk to me.
Me: (in my best explaining-to-a-two-year-old voice) I will talk to her. She isn't answering her phone right now, but as soon as she's free I will talk to her. I will explain about your plans and ask her if we can get together tomorrow. But if she can't change, I will go with her tonight because we had an agreement.
MIL: Just tell her. I will talk to her. Tell her to talk to me.
Me: I will talk to her.
MIL: You have to ask me if you can do these things.
Me: (teeth gritted) Fine, but you have to tell me if you make plans for me.
Mother-in-law leaves with a self-satisfied air, assuming that I will cancel my plans and do as she wishes. I barely refrain from throwing my shoe at her retreating back.
I have been here for ten days. Not once have we done anything. And I mean anything. We eat breakfast, lunch and dinner at home with a lot of laying around being bored in between. With the exception of the random visitors who dropped in early in the week, not a single interesting thing has happened. So forgive me for assuming that this weekend also was without plans. An assumption made even more valid by the fact that this family, as I've said before, never ever plans anything.
Growing up, if something like that happened, it would be fully acceptable (and expected) for me to see if my plans could be changed, and if not, continue on with my plans and forgo whatever the parents had planned. With my mother-in-law, however, it is not only completely unacceptable to keep your plans over hers, but she behaves as though it's unheard of. I know it isn't, because my brother-in-law is very much like me in that respect and I know he has done this to her many times before (as you could probably gather from his suggestion to just leave and not return in time for dinner).
But even more frustrating than the "my plans are always more important than yours" mentality was the idea that I need to ask her permission to do things. Excuse me, but I haven't had to ask anyone's permission in a decade. I will show you respect by letting you know of any plans I have as soon as they are made. I pay my family the same courtesy when I visit them. But I will not ask you if I can make plans. Not only is that patronizing, but I also know she will always say no because she never wants her children (and by extension, me) to leave the house without her. So it would be an exercise in futility on top of everything else.
The way I see it, the fair thing to do would be for everyone to tell each other any plans that get made as soon as it happens. And if I tell you I have plans for a certain night and you later make plans for that same night, don't expect to include me because it's not happening. Just like if you tell me you have made plans that include me, I'm not going to make other plans for that same time. This, according to my upbringing, is how grownups behave.
Now I've changed my plans with B from just going out for a few hours this evening to being out all day tomorrow. Take that!
Me: This evening B (hubby's best friend) is coming by and I'm going to go out with her. I don't know if we will have dinner out or not but I will ask and let you know before I leave.
MIL: B? (comments to brother-in-law in whatever language she felt like at the moment) Ok.
We continue eating.
MIL: Today?
Me: Yes.
MIL: No today we are having dinner at Sameer mama's house.
Me: What?
MIL: Yes. It was decided.
Me: I didn't know. I made plans with B. I will see if she can change but I don't know.
Lunch continues in silence. Later, my brother-in-law suggests calling B to come by earlier, going out and then just not coming back. I laugh it off and give B a call to see if we can change plans to tomorrow. No answer. I'm not concerned. I apparently blocked all of my mother-in-law's behavior from my previous visit out of my memory. About three hours later, MIL comes to find me.
MIL: I am going to the factory now, and will come back with Papa. About 6:30 we will come back, then we will go to Sameer's.
Me: Ok. I'm still waiting to hear from B to see if we can change our plans or not.
MIL: But it is decided! We have to go!
Me: But I didn't know it had been decided. No one told me until after I told you I had made plans.
MIL: But it was decided!
Me: But you didn't tell me. And my plans with B are already decided. (Damn her for making me talk like her!)
MIL: You have to ask me before you do these things.
bug-eyed dropped-jaw stare from me
MIL: There were no other plans for Saturday so we decided.
Me: That's fine, but if you don't tell me when you decide then you can't be upset if I make other plans.
MIL: But you have to ask me if you can do this.
Me: Well you have to tell me when you make plans for me.
MIL: Just tell her Mama has decided and you must go tomorrow.
Me: I don't know if she can change to tomorrow. I have to see.
MIL: Just tell her! What is her number? Tell her to talk to me.
Me: (in my best explaining-to-a-two-year-old voice) I will talk to her. She isn't answering her phone right now, but as soon as she's free I will talk to her. I will explain about your plans and ask her if we can get together tomorrow. But if she can't change, I will go with her tonight because we had an agreement.
MIL: Just tell her. I will talk to her. Tell her to talk to me.
Me: I will talk to her.
MIL: You have to ask me if you can do these things.
Me: (teeth gritted) Fine, but you have to tell me if you make plans for me.
Mother-in-law leaves with a self-satisfied air, assuming that I will cancel my plans and do as she wishes. I barely refrain from throwing my shoe at her retreating back.
I have been here for ten days. Not once have we done anything. And I mean anything. We eat breakfast, lunch and dinner at home with a lot of laying around being bored in between. With the exception of the random visitors who dropped in early in the week, not a single interesting thing has happened. So forgive me for assuming that this weekend also was without plans. An assumption made even more valid by the fact that this family, as I've said before, never ever plans anything.
Growing up, if something like that happened, it would be fully acceptable (and expected) for me to see if my plans could be changed, and if not, continue on with my plans and forgo whatever the parents had planned. With my mother-in-law, however, it is not only completely unacceptable to keep your plans over hers, but she behaves as though it's unheard of. I know it isn't, because my brother-in-law is very much like me in that respect and I know he has done this to her many times before (as you could probably gather from his suggestion to just leave and not return in time for dinner).
But even more frustrating than the "my plans are always more important than yours" mentality was the idea that I need to ask her permission to do things. Excuse me, but I haven't had to ask anyone's permission in a decade. I will show you respect by letting you know of any plans I have as soon as they are made. I pay my family the same courtesy when I visit them. But I will not ask you if I can make plans. Not only is that patronizing, but I also know she will always say no because she never wants her children (and by extension, me) to leave the house without her. So it would be an exercise in futility on top of everything else.
The way I see it, the fair thing to do would be for everyone to tell each other any plans that get made as soon as it happens. And if I tell you I have plans for a certain night and you later make plans for that same night, don't expect to include me because it's not happening. Just like if you tell me you have made plans that include me, I'm not going to make other plans for that same time. This, according to my upbringing, is how grownups behave.
Now I've changed my plans with B from just going out for a few hours this evening to being out all day tomorrow. Take that!
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