It's been three years.
And still I miss you.
Still I pick up the phone to call you only to realize you're not there.
Still I come across things that I know only you would get, and without you there's no one to share the humor with.
And yet...
The space between thoughts of you seems to be getting larger and larger.
I know it's normal. It only takes so many books and movies and grief counselors to get that point across.
I know I'm not supposed to still be thinking about you all day every day.
I know I certainly didn't when you were alive.
But when you were alive, I knew you were always there, even when I wasn't thinking about you.
Now that you're gone, it feels like if I stop thinking about you for even a minute I'll completely lose you.
I don't want that. I cling to my memories of you like a lifeboat on the Titanic. But that's all they are now: memories. All of my new experiences, the new memories I'm forming, you're not there.
And so every day that I don't think about you, every moment that happens without me imagining how you would have been a part of it, leaves me feeling guilty. As though the tie between us will break and you will drift away and it will all be my fault.
I know if you were here you'd tell me to shut up and stop whining. That I'm being ridiculous. That nothing could separate us, not even death. And I know you're right.
But still, if it's ok with you, I'm going to keep doing everything I can think of to keep you close. I'm going to keep telling my husband the same little stories over and over even though he's starting to tell them better than me. I'm going to keep imagining you with me in things, even if you never would have been there anyway. (You would have kicked butt at that kite flying festival. Even though you wouldn't have been in India with me anyway. I still say you would've kicked butt.)
I'm going to let myself off the hook for not thinking of you every moment. But when I realize I haven't been thinking about you, I'm going to go back and tell you everything that happened and imagine your reaction. And don't tell me to shut up.
And still I miss you.
Still I pick up the phone to call you only to realize you're not there.
Still I come across things that I know only you would get, and without you there's no one to share the humor with.
And yet...
The space between thoughts of you seems to be getting larger and larger.
I know it's normal. It only takes so many books and movies and grief counselors to get that point across.
I know I'm not supposed to still be thinking about you all day every day.
I know I certainly didn't when you were alive.
But when you were alive, I knew you were always there, even when I wasn't thinking about you.
Now that you're gone, it feels like if I stop thinking about you for even a minute I'll completely lose you.
I don't want that. I cling to my memories of you like a lifeboat on the Titanic. But that's all they are now: memories. All of my new experiences, the new memories I'm forming, you're not there.
And so every day that I don't think about you, every moment that happens without me imagining how you would have been a part of it, leaves me feeling guilty. As though the tie between us will break and you will drift away and it will all be my fault.
I know if you were here you'd tell me to shut up and stop whining. That I'm being ridiculous. That nothing could separate us, not even death. And I know you're right.
But still, if it's ok with you, I'm going to keep doing everything I can think of to keep you close. I'm going to keep telling my husband the same little stories over and over even though he's starting to tell them better than me. I'm going to keep imagining you with me in things, even if you never would have been there anyway. (You would have kicked butt at that kite flying festival. Even though you wouldn't have been in India with me anyway. I still say you would've kicked butt.)
I'm going to let myself off the hook for not thinking of you every moment. But when I realize I haven't been thinking about you, I'm going to go back and tell you everything that happened and imagine your reaction. And don't tell me to shut up.
Why don't you write down these stories in a journal or diary. Then you won't forget them or need to spend so much time trying not to forget them.
ReplyDeleteNone of us will forget or stop loving your dad - don't be afraid of that. Just trust in the Lord and know you will see him again when you get to Heaven. I am so happy and grateful that he is there waiting for us. I love you.